Are you trying to tell me something?

My horrorscope for today:

Your key planet Mars is connecting with subtle yet powerful forces today as it pushes you to take a risk by stepping outside of your usual modes of expression. Anger may arise if you are uncertain how to handle this intense energy, but it’s crucial for you to move past your personal needs and think about everyone involved. You have the power to impact others in a positive way now if you choose to take the high road.

More apropos than y’all realize.

Skim to the picture if you don’t want a rant.

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I’m just trying to figure out how high that high road is, because I’m already feeling lightheaded.

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Despite being told “just be yourself” I can’t.  Myself just wants to say “eff you” and walk away and that in no way  makes this particular situation any better.  I’ve backed off, I’ve swallowed my urge to fire back, I’ve even waved the white flag in hopes of making it better… but it feels like the other person wants to keep it going.   The one solution offered can be done, but it’s going to make me bitter and resentful if I have to do it and the other person “wins” with manipulation.

And no, it’s not about winning, it’s about saying this is not acceptable, it’s about saying it’s not all about you, it’s about saying you are not automatically right just because you think so, it’s about boundaries and limits,  it’s about someone standing up and saying that I matter and my feelings are important too and not just giving in because it’s the easier thing to do. I want someone to acknowledge that this is effed up instead of just telling me to work it out.

I decided years ago that I wasn’t going to play this game – that I couldn’t play it – and I walked away.  It’s very hard to find myself back in this situation because the healthy thing for me to do is not play.   But if I don’t then I’m the bad guy.

It’s just been sitting there festering inside of me and I know it has to be dealt with, but I just don’t know how to do it without it ending badly.  I know it’s not getting any better just trying to sit it out either.  I’ve seen the change in perception that the other person has been able to bring about and I think “Wow, they’re good.  I haven’t seen that level of skill since (name withheld to protect the guilty)”.

So, yeah.  Just needed to vent.  I’m hoping by letting it out a little, I can back away from all the emotions and suck it up and make it o.k. no matter what.

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fiber

Fiber distraction

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Now for something different:

1. Not getting into that super special sock club, is not the end of the world.
2. Sitting here, listening to the sound of rain falling, I wonder if I brought the laundry in.
3. Beer butt chicken and grilled asparagus tastes so good!
4. Sometimes, putting others first is fulfilling and rewarding – depending upon who that other is.
5. Lake sunrises is are breathtaking, really.
6. Well, maybe there is one more place I’d like to tell you to stick it.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to contemplating belly button lint or maybe I’ll spin, tomorrow my plans include trying to shave more time off my 1000 meters, picking up some grilling meat, going to a munch, watching the crazy neighbors celebrate their collective birthdays (they’ve been stocking up booze for a few weeks now) and Sunday, I want to watch TruBlood with TX – we do it every Sunday over the phone!

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Happy Friday y’all!